Oprah for Prez....2008!

Jesus H. Christ! What the fuck is wrong with LiLo? That bitch is so loony even Courtney Love must look down on her. Apparently Lindsay lost her DIARY last week and is threatening to take legal action if any media outlets publish it.

First of all, what is a 19 year old doing with a DIARY!?!? Second, why does LiLo always seem to lose shit like this (we all remember her wallet and a baggie of coke about a year and a half ago), and third, who does she think we are to care enough to want to read that crap?

Well luckily my top secret sources got me a few entries!

July 13th 2005:
Dear Diary,
Last night Paris and I hung out. We ended up going to The Roosevelt and then gangbanging a frat at UCLA. Afterwards we had coffee.
Love,
LiLo

September 21st, 2005
Today I was thinking about going to the hospital but decided against it. I am still trying to remember if I was ever molested to get onto any upcoming Oprah episodes. Tonight Paris and I are going to get gangbanged, I think. Waiting for plans to confirm.
Lates,
LiLo


November 27th, 2005
Today was Thanksgiving. I give thanks to cocaine and vomitting. My mom gave thanks to me! (well she called me her "little money tree" but it was still sweet). Tonight I am either going to go to a bar and then get gangbanged or I am going to get gangbanged and then go to the hospital. Sigh.....decisions! decisions!
XO
LiLo


Fascinating!

It has recently been reported that Jake G. used his break-up with Kirsten Dunst as emotioal ammunition during the filming of "Brokeback Mountain". Thats like saying that Pauly Shore used his traumatic childhood as motivation for "Encino Man". Get over it Jake, there are plenty of fish in the sea...you homo.




My super fly sources have revealed that John Travolta ($cientologist extrodinaire) and Demi Moore are in negotiations to play the leads in the movie
"Dallas" based on the popular 1980's soap opera. The film is slated for production in September 2006.

Lastly, Exxon reported a 10.7 billion dollar surplus this year. The largest reported surplus in history. I am really glad that our troops are in Iraq fighting and risking their lives so six board of directors can rake in the profits. I'm also glad gas prices are higher than they have EVER been, for no other apparent reason than to make the fat cats in this country fatter. Oh, Oprah, when will you talk about this travesty?

Today's Oprah is Lisa Ling examining street gangs. Thats right, homegirl, have that Asian chick risk her life.

Peace Love and Oprah