MADONNA IS TOTALLY FREAKING MY SHIT OUT!

Below are some photo's from the W Magazine photo shoot featuring Madonna and a bunch of horses. Now, I think Madge looks gorgeous and her body is out of this world, but where are the cool clothes? And why the equestrian theme? I am so confused. I want pretty dresses and naked men, not black hats and horses. It's still pretty hot. Look at her back...Damn girl!

TGIOprah. See you next week guys!

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO

What the fuck? Why do the Mexi's get two holidays this week? Ah, well...they better appreciate before we build a big fucking wall all up on the border.

Anyways, here are a few of my faboo picks for Mexican delights tonight:

El Coyote on Beverly Blvd. is ridiculously delish and cheap as hooker on Western. Try it out. The waitresses outfits are to die for.


Lucy's El Adobe Cafe on Melrose is another scrumptious option. It's up on Melrose across from Paramount so you can expect to see a celeb or two. There is a large outside patio with fire pit and a killer Margarita to finish you off.


Chipotle is my new fave. I have seriously had the salad with spicy Barbacoa shredded beef, grilled onions and peppers, black beans and possibly a little crack every night this week. It's good as hell and doesn't blow up the toilet on the way out! woo woo.


pic courtesy of Fantasy Bedtime Hour

PARIS HILTON'S VAGINA IS TAKEN....

Paris Hilton, just days out of her relationship with Stavros Nachos found time in her incredibly busy schedule to stick some USC Football dick in her. Paris has been seen out on the town with Matt Leinhart, the Heisman trophy winning Quaterback for USC's Football team.

What the fuck is a Heisman trophy? And by the way, I am so glad that someone plugged that bitches hole up! I have a theory that it's a portal to another dimension and that unless there is a fat cock blocking the portal we might all be forced to deal with the wrather of her cooch and the demons that live inside of her.

And for all you sports fans (all two of you), say goodbye to Leinhart...I've heard it's already been reported that he dropped dead of the HIV. Woah...that was totally inappropriate.

Last night Donald Frump and Melania Frump were seen leaving during the intermission of the Broadway production of "Three Days of Rain" starring Julia Roberts.

You know she has to be bad if that tasteless duo didn't like it. I bet you that Donald offered Melania a Porsche to tickle his ballsack.

BUY STOCK IN ADAM + EVE NOW!

Today, Oprah is going to dedicate her show to her new favorite designer, Adam Lippes, the head of Adam + Eve.
You know that label is about to blow the fuck up! If this is a publicly traded company, my stock tip of the day is to buy as much of that you can get your hands on! You best believe that shit is going to skyrocket!

Above is a picture of Adam. He's all young and faggy. So annoyed that's not me. Bitch.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Today is the 128th birthday of Cruz Hernandez Rivas, a resident of San Agustin in El Salvador. Look at this fucking HOT PIECE OF ASS! She looks fucking good! National records say that she was born May 3rd 1878. She has a pretty damn big family, too, having 13 children, 60 grandchildren, 80 great-grandchildren and 25 great-great grandchildren. Seriously, I am totally not joking, that bitch looks GREAT! I hope I look that good when I hit 30! Cute necklace!
Her birthday was celebrated with a party that included 200 revelers and family dressed as mythical figures.
Rivas spends most of her timing napping and no longer speaks, friends say. Damn, you know what? When you're ass is old as hell you can do whatever the fuck you want! Amen!


story and pic courtesy of Drudge Report

MERYL STREEP AND THE SPECS

Don't mistake my words because I ADORE Meryl Streep but what's up bitch? What is going on with the colored spec's? Seriously, do you and Jack Nicholson hit the bong before each red carpet? Now you can act up a shit-storm and you are a stunning creature who hasn't fallen victim to a plastic surgeon (yet) but, come on, sweetness, drop the specs! I want to see my baby Meryl's eyes...

FASHION! TURN TO THE LEFT!

Sunday was the Metropolitan Costume Gala to celebrate British designers. In other words, celebrities and socialites finally have an excuse to wear that ol' $30,000 ballgown that was laying around in the walk-in closet at their country home. Duh!


Jonathan Rhys-Meyer took Tom Cruise's dick out of his ass just long enough to show up with his fag hag dressed in Galliano. All black....I mean, he might as well wear a "I drink jizz" T-shirt.


Sarah Jessica Parker is apparently campaigning for a role as Mary, Queen of Scots by wearing Alexander McQueen's fabric-vomit. Seriously, It looks like Mel Gibson in Braveheart threw up all over her ass. SJP usually walks the line between hot and risky....but this is just fugly.



Mandy Moore has obviously been reading OprahismyHomegirl as she chose to show up in a Peter Som ensemble with pockets as I had reported in my Oscar fashion round-up. She is such a copy-cat. She looks good though. I bet a blind guy would fuck her.


Mary-Kate looking like an alien version of Stevie Nicks in Badgely Mischka...only because those fuckin' whores are the spokes models. Damn, she looks more and more like an anime figurine each week.


Sienna Miller showed up with Christopher Bailey, head of design at Burberry. She looks like Liza Minelli's crack-head sister in this picture. Someone needs to let her know, this event is for couture...not cocaine. Christopher Bailey is fuckable...aka rich and British.

Scarlett Johansson looks stellar in this robe/dress by Stella McCartney. Stella loves to push those titties up to her neck. You can't see, but on the back of the robe there is screenprinting and it looks totally hot. I dig the shoes too.



Ginnifer Goodwin looking frilly and sexy in Marc Jacobs. Good for her! She's kinda come out of her cocoon as a true butterfly. Look at that face! She is totally trying upstage J.Lo...not gonna happen.



Eve looking super-fly in Louis Vuitton. I never tire of those paws....she looks casual and relaxed but still is showing off an amazing dress. She also is balancing being young and sexy with sophistication and class. Loves it!


Ashley looks incredible in Badgely Mischka. This is the kind of dress that can only a skeleton with skin can wear, so of course, she looks amazing. It's hard to remember that she is fucking 19 years old! She totally looks so mature there. She does have a case of "sad eyes" though. You know, when you look so good all over, except your eyes are crying out...help me.... =(

Jessica Alba looks like a fucking vision in Calvin Klein. Thank god she is going solo. I mean, seriously, she is so protective over her virginal image...I can't wait for one of those nips to make a surprise appearance!

STD WATCH 2006

According to reports, Paris Hilton and Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos have ended their relationship again.They were dating again? Who knew!? I know, who cares, right? They have broken up a couple times and I am so over it/them/her.

On the other hand, gentlemen, if you live in LA watch the fuck out. Scrub your dick now! Just the concept of Paris single in LA again could give you the clap! I would reccomend staying inside until she finds another slime bucket to infest with filth. Ick, I already feel itchy!

story courtesy of ABC

I WANT ME SOME KOBE BEEF BURGER!

I am usually not a big sports person, but yesterday I was at the Farmers Market when everyone went off the deep end screaming and hugging. I thought for a second that news had broken that Paris Hilton died in a deadly car accident and we had very detailed video coverage to watchin in slow-mo. But no such luck. Instead, Kobe Beef Bryant rocked out with his cock out (on underage girls) during the last moments of the Lakers v. Phoenix Suns game!

I watched the highlights later in the day and although sports don't really float my boat, the game was pretty freaking amazing. Kobe is such a stud and always comes through when the pressure is on. Basically, what I am saying is that I would let him fuck me even though he is you-know-what.

(those who know what that means, know what it means)

IF YOU'RE STONED AND ANOREXIC DO YOU GET THE MUNCHIES?

This weekend at the Coachell Music Festival, Nicole Richie was seen with some incrimating glass blown evidence that the bitch loves to puff the reefer! Her friend Taryn Manning seems to be passing on the peace pipe in the Coachella VIP section.

The saddest thing I could imagine in the entire world is getting stoned and not eating. Poor little rich girl!

POSH HITS NEW YORK

Wow, look at how fucking skinny Posh Spice/Victoria Beckham is looking these days! She really knows how to work the sickly look. Anorexia looks much better on her than on Nicole Bitchy. She truly fascinates me to no end. She is like a little stylish alien that wanders around looking for things to fill her day that don't have anything to do with eating.

MADONNA AND GEORGE BUSH'S DICK

This weekend Madonna performed at six song set in the Sahara Tent at the Coachella in Indio, CA. Madonna made changes in the lyrics to her song "I Love New York" that stated "Just go to Texas and suck George Bush's dick". I liked it better when Madonna used her pussy and titties to be irreverent and timely. Now, telling people to suck the president's dick is sooooo tired.

In other Madonna news, her husband Guy Ritchie is going to follow her on her "Confessions" tour and make a behind-the-scenes documentary. That is the worst idea since they decided to make "Swept Away". This is going to be the most boring shit ever. I love me some Madonna's "Truth or Dare" documentary and I know that now that she's an old bag this docu is going to be a snoozefest. Reports are insinuating that this film is an effort to ease tension within their marriage.